|
A Primer. . .
1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the
Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got
a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first
line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes...sort of like:
"Got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth
like Margaret Thatcher, And she weighs 500 pounds."
4. The Blues is not about choice. You're stuck in a
ditch, you're stuck in a ditch - ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and
broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility
Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound
train, blues NEVER go on the northbound train. Jet aircraft and
state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running! .
Walkin' plays a major part in the blues
lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin'
to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old
enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in
Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is
probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City
are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues
in any place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the
blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause
you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause an alligator
be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a
shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or
sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear
a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it for
the last 6 months.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes,
if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
Not if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter
of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly
white people also got leg up on the blues.
14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you
gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. muddy water
b. nasty black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast
15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun
shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is
another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and
dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you
die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber,
Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they
shoot in Memphis.
19. "Make your own Blues Name" Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple,
Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit
(Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of a President (Jefferson,
Johnson, Fillmore,
etc.) For example: Blind Lime Jefferson,
Pegleg Lemon
Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc.
(Well, maybe not "Kiwi."
20. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own
even ONE computer, you cannot sing the blues.
|
